Monday, November 2, 2009

Rustling in the leaves; Underground

For the record, my intentions are not to talk like I am autistic, but just to send all of you a message. Today, my teacher told me that I don't exist. I'm a pigment of my own imagination. A floating pixel on the ground that just got ran over by a mac truck. I'm rolling in the sewer with my non-existent self and I can't smell one ounce of shit in this place because I simply do not exist. My teacher has tried to beat me before, she tried to tell me that my parents don't care about me because I'm imaginary. That I was a mistake. I wasn't meant to be here. And the more I thought about it, the more I believed it. I've been thinking when I walked into puddles, of rain, on the ground, that my foot wouldn't get wet, it was just stay the way it was. And sometimes, when I eat, I find my food sitting on the chair when I get up. I feel non-existent and invisible. My mom never says "Hi honey how was your day at school?" I don't know why when I go to school only my teacher talks to me, and I have no friends. Nobody notices when I talk and nobody notices when I slam my fists on the table out of anger. I don't know why I walk down the street and try to pet the neighborhood dog, or play with the free kids on the street. Everybody just asks, "What just happened?" "Why did something just touch my hand, was that you?"
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I told her the next day that I bought a cow, and I thought he was an angel. Because he noticed me, and he licked me with his long cow tongue. He was a friend of mine, that I saw a lot of kindness in and I wanted this to be my lifelong companion, because he was the only one that was my best friend, ever. My teacher said that he resembled the devil. I said she was full of shit. She's always bringing me down, she's always telling me how I don't even matter.
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The other day, my teacher touched me. She beat me, and tried to fuck me. She was really warm, as we laid on the science table and fucked. I don't know why, but she said this weird word. She said I "raped" her. But I don't know what that means. I can't think, really. I never could. I just knew this felt really good, so I did it, even if she was burning my dick off. It got really hot, almost too hot for normal. I didn't know if this was normal because I didn't know what this was. I just heard people talking about how they "fucked" at this party last night. It feels okay, but not when it feels like an oven.
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I feel like, my teacher isn't human sometimes. Like she's from another world. Like she always does the most weirdest things. She guts lightning bugs and sticks the glowing part from their butts on her teeth and smiles deviously. I don't get it. I need help.
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Today, I found out that my teacher isn't in the school records. She isn't enrolled in our school. I asked the guidance counselor if I could talk to her, I wanted to leave whenever I was in HER class. I started to notice, that when she teaches all the other kids are talking and goofing off and doing other class work. It's almost like we were in study hall. But the only person that was listening was me. I tried to talk to the guidance counselor, but when I went to go sit, it's like I wasn't there. She kept talking on the phone and sending other kids in, and I got to listen to all of their personal problems. What is wrong with me?
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Today, I walked to the psyche hospital and sat in the waiting room for 2 days. Nobody noticed me. I am invisible.
>>>
My teacher is so beautiful.
She's a demon.
I am in love.
I am invisible.
And I am dead.

_______________________________
So, this is something I had a dream about. It might not make ANY sense to you. But the boy died a lonnnggg time ago, and went to hell. He came back as an autistic boy, and is invisible to almost everyone. His teacher is a demon, of course, she's the only one that notices him. Because she is his wife. Get it?

-Kayla

4 comments:

  1. Even past that, I see a little you in the story bay. I see that dream you had about your mom not hearing you and you eating and it hitting the bottom of the chair
    and i can see the reluctance from school and the often sense of discouragement that you get there conveyed here, and beautiuflly i must say.
    But Kayla, I LOVED the story and i'm so glad we're writing again

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  2. Thanks, Derrick! I'm glad we're all writing too! It's bringing us closer together and giving us other subjects to talk about! It's so nice!

    -Kayla

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  3. I loved it. At the beginning, I was sort of expecting that something about the main character being a ghost would pop up, but not in the way you wrote it. I didn't expect it one bit and I'm glad that you explained it in your little note because I would not have gotten all of that... like I said in Derrick's post, we've all gotten so much better at this and we've improved drastically from our earlier posts

    -Jon

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  4. "My teacher is so beautiful.
    She's a demon.
    I am in love.
    I am invisible.
    And I am dead."

    I love the way that's put together and I'm not even sure how to explain it. I just really really love it in it's entirety.

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